The Necessary Difference Between Disagreeing and Gaslighting
I was in a beautiful room with strategically placed furniture and wide windows displaying swaying trees. I sat on a moderately comfortable couch, and my therapist sat across from me. His eyes searched mine as I retold stories of a past failed relationship. It had been years, and I knew I was “over it.” While that’s true, I still had the metaphorical wind knocked out me when my therapist replied, “was gaslighting a common theme of the relationship?”
Gaslight:
verb
to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
I always described the guy as a “lawyer-type.” He loved arguing for the fun of it, and it always ended “playfully.” I honestly learned how to have effective discourse from the intensity he brought to the relationship. To an extent, it helped sharpen my beliefs, my self-confidence, and my strength to hold my ground. But, more often than not, he left me defenseless and to quote the above, “questioning my own sanity.” Not clinically, but it is absolutely exhausting to have 2-5 hour disagreements that end in meaningless flirting.
The flirting was a way to shut me down quickly. It left me feeling shameful for taking the discussion so seriously or personally. The truth is, it was a tactic. He knew that I would “give up” if he changed his tone, whether intentional or not. He came out the hero, and I came out “overly” sensitive.
Gaslighting looks different in different people, relationships, and circumstances. Mine was a toxic relationship- but yours may be a family member, or a friend, or a boss. The truth is, I’ve experienced those too. Gaslighting doesn’t only happen in disagreements. Regardless, it’s important to call out.
I’m writing this for you to have a story that helps you distinguish whether you’ve had a disagreement or if you’ve been gaslit. In order to be confident, vulnerable, open-minded people, we need to know the difference. Even more, I believe we need to speak out against gaslighting in disagreements.
Healthy Disagreements:
There is a resolve of some kind. It may be agreeing to disagree or pursuing research and a follow-up conversation.
Mutual respect for differing views. We are adults, we should be capable of allowing someone to hold a belief different from our own. Our views are not character flaws, and they should not be treated as such.
Space and understanding when miscommunication happens. It happens ALL THE TIME. We must extend grace and understanding if someone is vocalizing that there was a miscommunication.
Gaslighting:
Opinions are unfairly represented as facts. We are entitled to opinions, but let’s own that opinion is different than fact. Recognize if someone (or you) are trying to manipulate by presenting an opinion as the only way.
When the discourse is abruptly ended by a joke or telling someone to “calm down.” More often than not, they are relatively calm. If they are not calm, there are better ways to calm an angry person than diminishing and/ or disqualifying them. Try, “Hey, I know this got more heated than we wanted it to. Can we pick it back up after we both have some time to think?”
Your feelings become the center point of the discourse. If someone tries to shut you down because you express sadness or anger, something might be off. We are allowed to feel strong emotions while disagreeing. Sure, it’s vital to maintain self- control. But self- control is NOT being “stone-cold.”